Stuck In A Moment

I never thought you were a fool

But darling, look at you. Ooh.

You gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight

'Cause tears are going nowhere baby



You've got to get yourself together

You've got stuck in a moment

And now you can't get out of it

Don't say that later will be better

Now you're stuck in a moment

And you can't get out of it



U2- Stuck In A Moment

I am trying to figure it out. When and where I met Bono. It must have been one hell of a conversation for him to be so affected by me and my life to write a song! This song was written for me and about me. Bono just may not know it yet.

I feel like I have been riding the same roller coaster (one word? two?) for the last year. Up and down; thrown from side to side. Sometimes nauseating; sometimes giving off that sweet tickle. You know the one I mean. But for the most part, it leaves you with a staggering headache from all the extremes. I have that headache now.

I am stuck in a moment that I can't get out of. Six months ago, I was ready to pick up and leave everything behind. My son and I were going to start over. A rebirthing. Rising from the ashes. I ended up staying. For now at least. For many small reasons and one large one. Boyfriend.

I stayed to give us another chance. And things were going great again. Now, I am back in a rut. I'm not sure he's to blame, either. Mostly, it's my insecurities, paranoia, distrust or just plain craziness. It could be the current situation too. He is somewhere that I don't want him to be. And alone. It's more the fact that he is there alone; and so is she. I am ready to throw caution to the wind; call him out and walk away.

The walking away part never seems to go smoothly for me. I tend to fold and give in when I should be strong. When I should tell him to go fuck himself, I instead let him tell me that nothing happened except for a conversation. Even though it could have, he likes to remind me. I let him tell me to trust him. It's very hard to build that up again after it has been destroyed.

Maybe the trust has been earned and I am too blind or jaded to see it. Can you ever know? I guess I have been relying on blind faith. That is why I run into walls.

So now I am stuck. Do I plan on the migration and just walk? Do I try to learn to trust again? Give him the benefit of the doubt? These are the thoughts that swarm through my already cloudy mind daily. None of them has been answered. Maybe I will have to rely on that blind faith, but this time for only myself, and get myself together and get out of this moment.