Just Beginning

I have, in the past year, become quite fond of blogs. There are three in which I read daily. I love the honesty, the veracity, the viscosity and sometimes dogmatic attitude of these particular three.


I want to write like they do. I have tried, but often times find myself just whining or contemplating the relationship with my boyfriend. I aim to change that. Don't get me wrong, I am sure there will be many posts of that nature, but I hope that not all or even half will be. So, let me introduce myself!


I am a 29 year old female living in Cincinnati. The name Phoenix comes from the mythological bird, not the city. For those of you not familiar with the story, the basis is that during a time of great strife or just when that "life" is up, the phoenix will burst into flames and rebirth itself from the ashes. I feel that those "lives' are just chapters in our lives and we are constantly rebirthing ourselves.


I have a 10 year old son. He is the love of my life. He is also the biggest stress of my life. It makes it very difficult to raise a child and instill the values you want him to have while his father has completely different views and your son tells you that you are wrong, Dad is right and I believe him! It is like I am constantly swimming upstream against the current! Hence the title of this blog.



I often find myself struggling against what I want and what I know should be. For example; I really like this person and we have a lot of fun. Very good friend, you know: the kind that would be sitting next to in jail and saying "damn that was fun!" rather than the good friend that would bail you out. Anyway, you really like the actions of the friendship, but you can't trust them. Whether it's the little things that have transpired over the course of the friendship, or one huge thing. Maybe it is a gut feeling. Regardless of why, the lack of trust is very hard to get over. I find myself knowing better, but still giving chances. Too many. After so many chances, the worry inside begins to fester. If I don't get a phone call in a timely manner, or my friend starts to pull away. I always think the worst. My boyfriend is cheating. My friend is stabbing me in the back. Paranoid? Most definitely! Without foundation? Not always. Like I said, this only happens with those that the grain of sand called caution has already begun to grow.

Time will tell if I ever learn to totally trust, completely distrust or just know when to walk away.
I understand that I am rambling, but hey, this is what a blog is for! This is my outlet and this post is just an introduction!