Stuck In A Moment

I never thought you were a fool

But darling, look at you. Ooh.

You gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight

'Cause tears are going nowhere baby



You've got to get yourself together

You've got stuck in a moment

And now you can't get out of it

Don't say that later will be better

Now you're stuck in a moment

And you can't get out of it



U2- Stuck In A Moment

I am trying to figure it out. When and where I met Bono. It must have been one hell of a conversation for him to be so affected by me and my life to write a song! This song was written for me and about me. Bono just may not know it yet.

I feel like I have been riding the same roller coaster (one word? two?) for the last year. Up and down; thrown from side to side. Sometimes nauseating; sometimes giving off that sweet tickle. You know the one I mean. But for the most part, it leaves you with a staggering headache from all the extremes. I have that headache now.

I am stuck in a moment that I can't get out of. Six months ago, I was ready to pick up and leave everything behind. My son and I were going to start over. A rebirthing. Rising from the ashes. I ended up staying. For now at least. For many small reasons and one large one. Boyfriend.

I stayed to give us another chance. And things were going great again. Now, I am back in a rut. I'm not sure he's to blame, either. Mostly, it's my insecurities, paranoia, distrust or just plain craziness. It could be the current situation too. He is somewhere that I don't want him to be. And alone. It's more the fact that he is there alone; and so is she. I am ready to throw caution to the wind; call him out and walk away.

The walking away part never seems to go smoothly for me. I tend to fold and give in when I should be strong. When I should tell him to go fuck himself, I instead let him tell me that nothing happened except for a conversation. Even though it could have, he likes to remind me. I let him tell me to trust him. It's very hard to build that up again after it has been destroyed.

Maybe the trust has been earned and I am too blind or jaded to see it. Can you ever know? I guess I have been relying on blind faith. That is why I run into walls.

So now I am stuck. Do I plan on the migration and just walk? Do I try to learn to trust again? Give him the benefit of the doubt? These are the thoughts that swarm through my already cloudy mind daily. None of them has been answered. Maybe I will have to rely on that blind faith, but this time for only myself, and get myself together and get out of this moment.

Before He Cheats

He cheated. Six months ago.
Not your normal affair with sex.
An affair of the heart, although he wasn't really into her. Maybe it was supposed to be sexual.
I think he was just lonely.
No excuses!
He was on vacation at his home in Florida. I wasn't able to take time off work to accompany.
He took her on a date. The bitch rode in MY seat on his motorcycle! They went on a ride.
Apparently they kissed.
Nothing else.
I found out because the tramp was calling at 3 AM while I am laying in bed next to him.
I confronted him and eventually got it out of him.
I won't go into details of why I believe nothing more happened at that time, but I do believe it.
Mainly because she is psycho!
Drunk dialing me. ME- his girlfriend asking if I am with him! Crying, telling me that I need to move on. After I have 3 years invested and she had met him twice!
Frustration ensues!
That was over. We moved on together.
Things were good, then they turned very ugly. In fact, it didn't have to do with her at all.
At least not directly. The events that followed that resulted in a bad break up would never have happened if he would have never met her or gotten involved.
We both had a difficult time for a couple of months.
The healing began and we could be friendly.
We became very friendly and began seeing each other again. This time my wall was still up.
I told him that I still planned on moving south. Way south.
We could hang, go out and have the ever amazing sex we always did. But that was it.
I couldn't let myself go again. I couldn't run the risk of losing him again. It would destroy me.
That really bothered him. That I had my wall up. He didn't want me to go.
Funny.
The only reason I needed to go was there was too much of us in this city. I would be leaving for the same reason I would stay.
I needed a reason to stay.
I stayed... For now.
We are together.
During the time that we were finding our friendship, he went to Florida.
We were not together then.
I called an old friend.
So did he.
Was I wrong to be so upset that he chose this ragged old bar whore for the bootie call when it affected me so personally?
My friend is a very old dear friend that there are no emotions tied to. Boyfriend has never met him, not have I ever cheated on boyfriend.
Again, we weren't together when this happened. I am still disgusted by it.
We have moved on. Things are good.
We have gone on several trips.
Thrown Parties.
Planning on more trips. Even the possibility of moving in together.
I need to learn to trust.
He is in Florida now.
I couldn't get off work. I know that if I on the spur of the moment flew down there, it would be no problem.
But what about before, when I am not there.
How much do I trust?
When do I know that he has proven himself?
I don't think I will ever know.